Random Things

So...I've been a pastor's wife for just over 3 months.  And I am just not sure if I am doing it right!!  Ha!

I don't know if people have certain expectations of me...and if they do, I am sorry to say that I will probably disappoint them! I am a HUMAN BEING and will make many many mistakes.  Praise God that I don't have to live up to human expectations!

But...as a human this can be a hard thing to wrap my brain/heart around.

I love people.  I love when people love me.  I don't want to pretend to be someone I am not, but I do not want to NOT meet expectations. 

Sigh.

I feel like I have a very unique view of the lost and broken in our community because I did not grow up in this type of environment.  Sure, we went to church, but I never felt the love of God in any church I attended growing up.  I was taught to fear God, but it was really more of being afraid rather than reverance. 

I don't know these old hymns they sing on Wednesday night, but I am learning them!  I am clapping along and as I read the words and stumble on the melody, I am amazed at the beauty and simplicity of some of the lyrics.

I feel like I am constantly being judged by everyone because I am a pastor's wife.  From what I say, what I do, how I dress, the level of ministry involvement, parenting skills, etc.

This.is.overwhelming.  Perhaps it's just paranoia???

Again...Praise God that I don't have to worry about their judgements!  I only have to worry about God's judgement....sadly, this is tough to live up to as well!  Because I do need to make sure that what I say and what I do is glorifying God and I need to make sure I am dressing modestly (and appropriately for my age) and I do need to be involved in the ministry, but I am not going to go overboard and jump on every ministry as a leader if God is not seeking me to be a leader in these areas.  I also need to make sure I am disciplining AND discipling my children.

Whoa. 

More importantly....I WANT to do all these things!  I WANT to follow God's Word, I want to bear fruit!  I want to have a real relationship...an unshakable relationship, if you will, with God...and all of this makes me want to glorify God with every part of my life.  On the day of judgement, I want God to say that He knew me well...His good and faithful servant.

I want others to see that God loves them.  That God has a place for them!  That God has a plan for their lives and it is NOT TOO LATE!! 

I am quite sure that no one at my church has certain expectations of me or is judging me.  These are simply doubts filling my mind that come straight from the devil!

I love it here.  Everyone has been so wonderful, but I am having a hard time making friends.  And that....is difficult for me.  I've spent the last 3 years trying not to get too close to anyone in Missouri because I knew we'd be leaving, but I am ready to have some God girlfriends!!! 

But....I am the new girl.  Relationships here have been in place for years.  It's tough to disrupt that.  Not that I want to disrupt anything...I just need some girl time.  If you are a girl and are reading this...you probably know what I am talking about :)  Women definitely crave relationships.  For now, I am trying to get closer to God.  I know He will lead me to the right group of gals.