Random Things

I just have this confusion about me lately.  One minute it seems I get some clarity and the next brings more confusion.  I think I finally have something figured out...and then BAM!  Piles of more confusion...it's like the laundry pile!!  Yes!  It's ALL done!  Oh wait, nevermind...you missed some over there...

I've learned so many things in the past 8 months of being a pastor's wife....still learning...still making mistakes...still failing...still getting back up!

I don't want this to sound like a rant so I will just make some points down here about some things I have learned recently.

- I am a leader.  I keep telling Brian "I am not a leader, you are!"  And in my head I look at myself like the rest of the congregation and volunteers.  I am here same as you and take my direction from someone else.  What I have learned is that people see me as a leader.  A LEADER.   This is still new to me...still trying to wrap my brain around not only being seen as a leader, but actually being a leader.  This is hard for me.  Very hard!  I was not ready for this "role".  Why is that while my husband was interning with a Children's pastor I was not also doing an internship with a Pastor's wife??!  I really need some help here.  Some direction or encouraging words...something!  You know how they say there is no parenting manual (but there sure are a lot of books out there!!!)...I feel like someone forgot to give me the manual on the role and expectations of Pastor's Wife.  I guess I missed some of the prep-work - ha!

- People treat me different.  Just because of my "Pastor's Wife" title.  It's interesting.  A woman recently told me that just because I am a Pastor's wife people both outside and inside the church will automatically treat me different.  They look at me different.  I don't know what that necessarily means, but one woman also told me that other women do not want to be my friend because of my title.  Ouch.  What is in a title???  Have I somehow changed just because I have a new "title"?  It reminds me of the time in college when we attempted to dye my hair blonde (yeah, it came out orangeish) and shaved my head with the longest setting on the clippers.  Because I did that with my hair, people assumed it was because I was gay.  It had nothing to do with my sexuality and shame on people for stereotyping!!!  Hair is hair.  Long, short, straight, curly, brown, black, red, purple...I really like having short hair (but am currently in the process of growing out again)....anyway, back to my point.  I am somehow a different person because I am a pastor's wife???  And you know....I am just not like that.  I have run ins with various levels of management including VP's within my company and within companies of the customer's I deal with on a daily basis along with folks who probably feel like they are at the bottom of the barrel and I treat them no differently than I treat folks on the procurement teams I work with or the folks at the order management desk or the folks in Romania or France or Switzerland or India.  I don't care WHAT your title is or where you are from....you are a HUMAN BEING and I am going to treat you like one.  I smile at everyone at the grocery store (and probably freak them out sometimes because maybe no one else has smiled at them that day - everyone deserves a smile!) and I talk to just about every single person I come in contact with.  YOUR TITLE DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.  Being a pastor's wife does not define me.  I am a human being.

- I am struggling.  I have only shared this with a couple of ladies.  But now it's out there for the world to see.  I am struggling to fit into some mold that has been created for me.  I don't know the shape of the mold, the color of the mold, the size of the mold or even WHERE this mold is....there have been no expectations laid out for me so I never know if I am even close to said mold.  I feel like I am so far away from the mold (which is really ok because perhaps that's why I am here) that I am creating my own mold!!!  Maybe there are multiple molds!  Unfortunately, I can't read minds.  I probably will not be able to do all that is "expected" of me, but I would sure like to know what other people's expectations are so I can know if I have failed them miserably or if their expectations are just completely out of line.  I am just struggling to understand where the disconnect is.  And I have asked the Lord to reveal things to me.  I've gotten no clear answers.  Wait. Be still.  Wait. But I still get visions of preaching to women. (so I am thankful for that!  God still has a plan!!!) Standing at the pulpit encouraging women!  Helping broken, hurting women receive healing.  Telling them they are beautiful and meaning it.  Loving on them.  Sharing my heart with them.  I am still running into some sort of a road block.  WHAT IS THE ROAD BLOCK???  I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD!  We have had this Evangelist in town doing a Revival in our church and he keeps talking about a green light.  I feel like it is for me, but I don't know what to do with this green light!  I know what God wants me to do EVENTUALLY, but this little process-driven girl needs to know what the next step is.   I have no idea how to get from where I am right now to where He needs me to be.  Not a clue.  And I am not getting answers.  "Take a leap of faith" I keep hearing, but I don't know what the leap is??!!!  That is not clear.  Perhaps it is not clear because I am afraid of what that leap is.  See?  I am still human.  I still struggle with fear.  I am a pastor's wife and I have fear.  There.  I said it.  I have FEAR.  DOUBT.  FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY. PAST FAILURES. 

Ok...so if you are still with me, this sounds a bit like a rant.  A venting session if you will.  Oh, and did I mention that I am back on coffee???  I learned how to drink it in moderation without making my blood sugar go all out of whack.  I also keep losing and gaining this same 15-20 pounds.  I am sick of carrying it around.  I am currently on the "gaining" side and am about to surpass the point of where I can fit into my clothes.  There is a reason I threw out all of my bigger size clothes!!!  So...gotta hit it hard again.  Gotta get back to being healthy and fit.  I can blame it on the cold weather all I want, but I made bad choices.  That whole "holding yourself accountable" thing can really smack you in the face sometimes :)

Boy, it sounds like I need to get on my knees and pray, huh?  Won't you join me?  Let me know what prayer needs you have!  Praying for others is so amazing!  Watching miracles happen for others is the best!  God sure does love us!  God will clear my confusion.  I am certain of this.  He will give me the answers I seek!  He will open doors and remove road blocks!  I believe it!!!  I receive it!!!